Hello guys! Ollie here! You've missed me, haven't you! No? Well I missed you. Bitch.
Anyways as always I've left it way too long before updating the blog. It's something I always want to do, believe me, but other things get in the way, like studies and KFC and beer. It's hard to fit it all in.
Okay it's 3am and I'm shattered. It's been a bit of a busy week for me because I have 3 projects due next week. THREE!!!! That's 3 presentations and 3 pieces of written work to go with it. The amount of stress we went under for marketing metrics was one thing, but knowing that on monday I'm due to present about the HR department of the Orange network in France when we haven't even had a response from the HR manager is pretty damn vexing.
However, that is the least of my concerns. You see, as the term has progressed, especially in the last few weeks, I realised something: my classes don't count for SHIT! So my motivation to work my butt off has decreased somewhat, but unfortunately for my group mates, it counts towards their free Double Degree that I won't be able to get because of Warwick's snobbery/exchange agreement with Rennes. My point is that my priorities, despite the impending doom of the unholy trinity next week, lie with getting an internship of some sort next summer to kick-start a career of some sort, which has truly been annoying me.
Of course, other things have happened in the past few weeks, but I will write another post on that topic very very soon. Stay tuned for stories about I became a local celebrity on Halloween night, the true extent of the attractiveness of Amsterdam hookers, the discovery of my new favourite bar, and how this blog has helped me survive an essay deadline.
But for now, there's something I need to get off my chest. Something that really bothered me this evening, after all my efforts this past week with my applications. By the way, I've done the 4 applications. We made the pact easier by allowing any 4 internship applications before I could shave, rather than specifically the Big Four. However, one of my applications so far is to PriceWaterhouse Coopers, and the others are to BT, AB InBev and Centrica. I shaved Tuesday night, having completed the applications, leaving a moustache for a banterous photo (below) before removing that too. Before then, I had not shaved since Halloween. That's right. Halloween. Yeah I bailed out of the beard 10 days in, because the Saturday after my last post I was in a club. For those who don't know, I'll provide the Olford dictionary entry below:
club (n): a) a dark, poorly maintained former workhouse where people go to get drunk and dance to repetitive music in the hope that they get laid. The music is often played on rotation, with the same chart-toppers receiving three plays per night, to which the general populace's attention span is oblivious. b) the optimal place for rape; everyone is drunk, it is tightly confined and there is never any mobile phone signal.
So yeah, I was in the club, because that is where society puts us 21 year olds. After getting free entry, saving me 14€, I sat around bored. The place was yet to fill up, but the 'music' was pumping so loudly I couldn't hear anything my friends were saying to me. I realise now this is the reason, apart from the Dutch courage that booze gives you, that people hook up so much in clubs - you can't hear what the other person is saying, so you can't judge them! However, I was not on it that night - because:
1) The drinks were a fortune. I necked a couple of bad-tasting tequilla shots with lime that wasn't even fresh, and paid 5€ each time for the privilege. A few days later I bought 30 beers for that price in the supermarket, so ridiculous wasn't the word! The only way I was getting drunk that night was to take out a mortgage, and the banks were closed at 1am.
2) That irritating fur on my face. The copious hairs on my visage must have been having a right rave in there, but more likely it was the humidity in the air caused by the heat of a few hundred drunks and the ubiquitous sweat and exchanged saliva. Apart from the beard causing me great discomfort throughout my frankly boring time at the club, I also hated that I looked like the end result of Han Solo and Chewbacca becoming a bit too close....
So when I found out we were going out on Monday for Halloween, I REALLY did not want a repeat of the night, so I'm ashamed to say that I bailed. But there was no forfeit, so it wouldn't be a problem. But then Cam eventually noticed the lack of fur on my face, and turned the deal into what was almost a How I Met Your Mother-style slap bet. If you haven't seen HIMYM, then do it! But basically, if I shaved before submitting my fourth application he could get five free slaps to use at his own discretion, as hard as he can. So I HAD to grow it, despite the incessant itching and my looking like a hobo.
Anyway, after 15 days, I finally shaved. As you can see, my beard had become a bit thick. And what a shave it was! The feeling of satisfaction as I lathered the shaving gel, the thrill of achievement as I drew the blades across my face, the ecstasy of knowledge that I had earned this shave through hard graft as I left my mocha-stain of a moustache for a quick Movember photo (I realised I looked like a bit of a gay idol, so I thought - why not milk it!), the excitement to produce more kick-ass applications as I shaved off the excuse for a tache, and then the rush of fatigue as I realised it was 5 in the morning.
Hello ladies......... (Don't worry, I shaved it off straight away!)
However, my joy was short-lived, because yesterday I had to complete the online assessments for PriceWaterHouse Coopers. There was a numerical assessment, which went well, a logical one (spot the patterns) which was okay, there was an assessment asking me what I would do in certain cases, which I guess was alright. But the final assessment was NOT okay. Not at all. These kinds of tests are evil, backstabbing and built to crush hopes and dreams (not that I dream of working at PwC, but experience there would open countless doors for me). BUT ANYWAY - this test is built to ruin lives and nothing else.
I am talking, of course, about the personality test.
Now this was not the first time I had faced this heartless adversary. I was defeated by the nemesis last year in my one and only non-penultimate-year internship application to HSBC, and it was presented in the same format. He appeared in a different, weaker, less harmful form on my Centrica application earlier this week, where I had to click a dot corresponding to how much I agree with each statement. At least in this form, I could be consistent, and hopefully I defeated him then. But Wormtail's been scurrying about again and ressurrected the bastard in his full form to block my way to what could have been a life-changing work placement.
What form is this, you ask? They give you three traits about how you work and make you click which of them applies the most and the least to you, hence ranking the three in order of importance. Often, all three of the traits applied to me, so my answers will look extremely inconsistent because it was kinda like choosing between your children. If comparing traits to one another didn't make it quite hard enough to be consistent, they gave me 104 of these soul-destroying tables to complete, so I wouldn't be able to remember what I said beforehand. The only thing I remembered doing consistently is putting 'I am quiet about my achievements' least (because it was comparing to things like 'I care about meeting deadlines' and 'I am good with people'). Now if this were a dignified interview, where a human would test my personality rather than a SHL system, then I would be able to justify my answers and explain that clicking 'least' meant just that, not that I don't do it at all. In this case I would explain that it's because I am a confident person who is proud of his achievements and strives for more or some shit... but NO! PwC are now gonna think I'm an arrogant dickhead, because of some dots.
I was so disheartened doing this test that I kept shouting at the computer (Itzel was with me, enjoying my rage, so I wasn't being totally schizo) complaining about how stupid this whole concept is.When you have 104 of these tables to plough through it is tough, but when your Internet connection takes forever to load each one it is HELL! My initial strategy was, of course, to lie. I didn't want to say what I really believed, that I am better at discussing abstract concepts than following the rules, because that wouldn't be what they want. But then it turned out that strategy was tough to keep going because the questions just got stupid. I had to choose between 'I like being in control of the group', 'I enjoy numerical problem-solving' and 'I am bored with routine' - this was like Sophie's Choice!
Okay I know I'm boring you with this, but I'm just warning you, because it seems we all will have to face this bastard test at some point or other. It seems no matter how good you are, no matter how hard you work at school or how much you partake in extra-curricular activities, you can't get the job unless you can read the minds of the HR department and pretend to be what they are looking for. Even Employable Ollie is struggling - and he's got the best CV I know!
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003114301784
And then they say the most annoying and patronising thing ever - "There are no right and wrong answers". THERE CLEARLY ARE!!!! If you click certain dots, you're out! Game over! Those, my friends, are WRONG answers. On the other hand, if you click other dots, you could get the interview (providing, of course, the rest of the application - you know, the bit that actually is to do with your abilities and skills - is all good), and these, kids, are the RIGHT answers! So don't tell me that there's no right or wrong answers, because it could make the difference between an internship at PwC that could set up an entire career, or me stubbornly hoping that I pass the next personality test for another company, and then another company, and then another.......
Now the companies will try to justify this by saying 'we want to make sure that the candidate's personality suits the company's culture, otherwise they won't want to work there.' Firstly, you can't codify personalities! How can a computer program judge what a person is like, when people aren't even given the opportunity to explain their decisions. Personalities are complicated, fascinating things. They're not just 'yes' or 'no' answers!
And secondly, and most importantly, have a quick look at this
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/nov/16/young-jobseekers-work-pay-unemployment?fb_action_ids=10150377263619220%2C10150392635104765%2C1088037656394%2C2239042295870%2C2239034775682&fb_action_types=news.reads&fb_ref=U-ynNKdGFcJHdn4uU4IsQkPz-CFCONX01FRS-33dy8XXX%2CU-Gv0LPwvMIjoV4dA8Ik0GwN-CFCONX01FRS-33dy8XXX%2CU-3tc_FkTxEkTl4ri6Jdag77-CFCONX01FRS-33d84XXX%2CU-KnENn4JJqd1g4oQOI7ootl-CFCONX01FRS-33e2mXXX%2CU-SFOGA0ClxOOg4OofIGE0Co-CFCONX01FRS-2fdkfXXX&fb_source=other_multiline
Graduate jobs are so competitive and hard to get these days, that young people are working for free! When slavery is the alternative, do you think I give a fuck whether or not companies prefer to work with data or talk about abstract concepts?! If someone is good enough for the job, then just give it to them dammit! Just because a computer program states that I can't fit in with a company's culture now doesn't mean that I can't adapt to it when I work there! I'm applying to you aren't I? I spent 4-5 hours filling in an application and another 3 hours doing those tests! I don't think when there are over 70 graduates competing for each job, that they care about the company not suiting their need for a competitive environment!!!
So thank you, personality test - you've pissed me off and made me overly pessimistic. Now I'm waiting for my rejection email from PwC, because my answers were inconsistent and I doubt they'll want an emo arrogant dude. Moral of the story, kids - don't waste your time with education. Fuck staying in every night at school to get the best grades you can get. Go out, have fun, and focus on something you enjoy. Maybe I could have actually been good at the guitar, or a novelist or something, rather than studying at business school, because it doesn't seem to matter how clever you are, or how much work experience you have, or how much money you've raised for Teenage Cancer Trust.
All that matters is that you tick the right dots.
Rant OVER!
Ollie
P.S. Don't forget, the next post will resume the normal report on the year abroad and is coming very soon, pessimism and internship free! It's out of my system now. Don't worry :)
check out my blog, I promoted you! haha
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