Hello proletariat! It is I, Employable Ollie, the cleverest, handsomest and most modest young man this side of the Milky Way.
Now, my dim-witted alter-ego, the Oliver Lloyd that usually writes these blog posts, has left his blogger on, so I have braped him (haha do you like my lexical manipulation of the term 'fraped' meaning 'facebook raped' but modified for Blogger? Guffaw guffaw).
You haven't heard from him for a while, not because he is a lazy and clumsy buffoon (although he is of course) but because he is busy preparing for an interview for PriceWaterhouseCoopers, a company so superior that they can put all three names into one word.
Now, my un-Harvard-educated Mr Hyde was supposed to have had his interview on Wednesday, a mere 36 hours after returning from his travels. He was rightfully vexed, as PwC (they have abbreviated themselves to become, as the youth of today say, more 'with it') expect more than what he has to offer. Indeed, due to a technical failure on the part of the company, the Welsh plebeian has received the Godsend of an extra week to prepare, but even so - I do not think he will succeed. These are my justifications:
1. He thinks his recent trip will set him apart
PAHA! No. How does traveling around on various trains for three weeks, eating various food, and taking photos of yourself in front of various buildings make you more employable? Did he run a project on this trip? No. Did he acquire any more languages? Learning merely how to say 'thank you' in Hungarian does not count I'm afraid. Did he immerse himself in foreign cultures? How could he when he spent a maximum of two days in each city?! No, the only thing he managed to do on his trip was to waste time and money when he should have been preparing for this interview. This trip was a hindrance, not a benefit, and to believe otherwise is pure folly.2. He's fluent in bullshit, not French.
Oliver managed to bullshit his way through his Unilever interview, convincing them that he is a worthy candidate through making his work as a swimming coach for disabled children an example of his creativity. A better example of his creativity would actually be how he is making up such anecdotes in interview! Unfortunately for my fickle friend, PwC will not take his bullshit. If he claims fluency in French, then they would probably conduct the interview in French, leaving him as helpless as a blind man stuck in a hall of mirrors.
3. He thinks the 'eurozone' is a boyband.
One of the core competencies that PwC look for is commercial awareness. One needs to be aware of recent international developments in both economic and political spheres. Oliver does not. He could not explain the origin of the eurozone crisis, or the global one for that matter; and he does not even know who the Prime Minister of Genoa is! Why would PwC hire someone who is almost autistic in his awareness of his surroundings to consult other firms on how best to tackle Human Resource issues? Not only does he fail to follow developments, but he does not understand some of the terminology, and hence cannot follow the news. He is a third-year business student! If he studied something totally pointless like English Literature, then maybe one could forgive him for being so asinine, but he has no excuse.
4. He is far too left-wing.
Now he actually is paying attention to the news, Oliver has noticed the debate regarding the bonus of Stephen Hester, the chief executive of RBS, a bank 83% owned by the taxpayer. The stubborn fool thinks it is immoral that Hester should receive any bonus at all, after the poor performance, lack of lending to small businesses, the fact that the bonus is mostly from the taxpayer, the share price being half of what it was last year, and that they "shouldn't be paying him when they could be paying the salaries of the workers who lost their jobs".
Fool! Hester is only on 1.2 million pounds a year! How can he put food on the table (of his Aston Martin stretched limousine) without a bonus? Someone of his calibre and experience in gambling poor people's money is a rarity, so unless he is adequately compensated he will not be around to guide RBS out of the utter trouble that Fred Goodwin left them in. Oliver needs to open his mind and realise that and shut up about the firemen who risk their lives daily for a tiny salary and no bonus. Just throw some water on it!5. He is too poor
How did I get seven degrees from Harvard? Simple. Mummy and daddy paid my way in. Mummy is the chief executive of Exxon Mobil (just kidding - she is the HR executive. Like a woman can run a company!) and my daddy was Steve Jobs, so I had enough money to bribe my way in to the best school in the world. Oh yes, RIP daddy. Thank you for the free iMac, although I wanted a Dell....
Oliver, however, is the son of a teacher and a quality assurance manager for a publicly funded adult education project, the sort that only exist in poor areas of Britain. He had to get into Warwick Business School, which has nothing on Harvard, on merit alone! At school he is among the poorest, and has no connections. Daddy got me my first internship in charge of the iPod mini, which was a massive success until my long-term rival Reginald came up with the Nano, the cretin. Oliver's parents know no one in business, so in this world of nepotism, what chance does he really have? He would have to scrape by on merit again, something which he lacks.
6. He makes friends, not connections.
In this world, if you want to progress up the ladder, you need to use people, like I had just insinuated in my previous point. Although Oliver comes from a background with no connections, he is in a school with people who can get somewhere in life. Two of his best friends will become investment bankers, but can he use their graft to get those positions to his personal advantage? NO! Because he befriended them, and social and market norms do not mix. If they were connections, Oliver could use them to avoid the long arduous selection process that he would fail, and be making more than his father when he graduates at the age of 22. But no, the gregarious imbecile is not taking advantage of people, so he has to ascend the mountain of success himself, unaided by the climbing gear of rich associates, and fall with the avalanche of HR.7. He is far too easily distracted.
Now Oliver has never discussed this in his blog; but like most unsuccessful men at his age, his mind often lingers on women. I do not understand the attraction myself. Everyone knows that women are merely an obstacle sent from God to stop the unworthy from getting to the top. It happened to Dominique Strauss Kahn, Silvio Berlusconi and Adolf Hitler (he killed himself one day into marriage because he could not tolerate the bitch any longer), it could happen to Oliver as well. If he put as much thought into JP Morgan as he does for Natalie Portman then he could be....well....me!
8. He is too ugly.
His fixation on those without the Y chromosome is a total waste of time because he is just too unattractive. Look at the people who work for the financial services firms. They are the best representation of mankind, flawless in complexion as well as countenance.
Now look at Oliver, repelling those around him with his alcohol addiction.
Oliver is far from perfect. He is overweight and out of shape, and you can see the small beer belly hugging his unfashionable attire. This belly demonstrates that, rather than using his energies to train physically and mentally for world domination, he dedicates his time to drinking excessive amounts of commoner fluids such as beer and Coca Cola. If I were of the propensity to become, as the youth say, 'squiffy', I would go for a nice 1812 Cognac, and sip it whilst watching my electronic Dow Jones graph fluctuate on daddy's iPad.
9. He is too idiosyncratic
Oliver is a strange human being. For someone with a degree of intellect that is a little above average compared to others of the same poverty, he does not use it. He puts his energies into being overly outgoing and makes far too many terrible jokes. He does not concentrate, and he is not skilled in anything in particular. I would say he is a jack of all trades, but he would be just awful as a carpenter or blacksmith, so he cannot work within his own antiquated social class. His only option is to go corporate, but he is too much of a maverick in his views (no banker bonuses - tut tut) to be able to fit in. Indeed, PwC ask for someone who does and sees things differently, but as any businessman would know, they are not. They are looking for someone to mould into their culture, and Oliver just is not malleable enough.
Finally, number 10: He is on his blog instead of actually preparing for the interview!
I would sign off with 'rant over' as Oliver does, but I find that line absurd, because he does not often actually rant.
Anyway, this should teach him not to leave his Blogger on. I shall now depart for a conference with Goldman Sachs.
Ciao, plebeians!
Employable Ollie
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