Killing time in the USA

I'm sat in the food court of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport in Georgia, USA waiting for my connecting flight to Monterrey, Mexico. It's crazy! I've hardly been around the bloody UK and here I am, for the first time, in another continent! I'M IN THE USA OMG!

Okay actually I'm in the USA in the same way as Tom Hanks was in the Terminal: not being allowed actual access to the country and having to make do with the airport's limited and expensive facilities. Luckily, I'm just here for 5 hours (unless Enrique Peña Nieto declares civil war in the next couple of hours) but I was way too excited to spend US dollars for the first time on an actual American Maccy Ds! I feel like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

My current location

Already I stick out in this crowd like a lumberjack at gay pride, thanks to my accent. A couple of people have remarked on it already, or at least I think so because I can hardly understand their Southern American accent! This is my own bloody language too: what hope do I have in Mexico!

The journey started early, with my dad very kindly taking me to Heathrow in plenty of time for my 9am departure. The flight was nine hours: my very first long haul flight. I had no idea what to do with myself in that time, but I ended up discussing Candy Crush strategies with the lady next to me (Okay it was more like her helping me. I've become addicted, and for someone who was so good at Tetris I really do suck at this game!) I was pleasantly surprised every time the air hostess came round with refreshments and I didn't have to pay for another Coke.

And thank God for in-flight entertainment! There was an awesome languages game where I could learn numbers and days in lots of languages, but the touch screen was pretty shit. I kept getting the answers wrong on the general knowledge quiz there too! Yes the questions were asking things like "What is the first track of Chaz and Dave's second album?" but I blame the touchscreen for my failure. 

The system also had music on it, so I finally checked out Paramore's latest eponymous album, which isn't as shit as I first thought (maybe it grows on you, but it has nothing on Brand New Eyes or Riot), as well as Jake Bugg, who's somehow made Bob Dylan-style music popular again. 

Oh and the movies! The Campaign, The Identity Thief, and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. As you can tell, I wasn't interested in any movie with a challenging plot. I've had hardly any sleep so comedy was all I could take. 

I realise this is a lame blog post for those of you who've done long-haul flights before, as it's like someone saying "Have you heard of this awesome thing called Google?!" but hey it's a new experience for me, a statement of intent for the years to come of flying around the world. 

So it's just another few hours until the real fun begins, until I see Daniela again after a whole year apart. I seriously cannot wait: this is insane! I have no clue how I'll react when I see her, but it's exciting. I can already hear a lot of Mexicans in this airport and it's getting me feeling excited and ready for what's about to come. 

Next time you hear from me, I'll be at my destination in Monterrey, Mexico.

Done (for now).

Ollie

PS. I had made a quick video in my attempted Spanish to go with this but the upload speed here sucks, so I'll just upload it later...

I'm back!

WOOHOO! I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! I'm writing a blog again! HAHA this feels like the first time you hear that crunch when you walk in the snow, the first bite into your favourite cake/steak/hake, when you finally manage to get it in...... A MATHS PROBLEM! Yes, that's right. A MATHS problem that has been bothering you for a long time and you finally get it! Well, anyway, you thought I was gone. No, I was only on a hiatus.

For ever since I wrote my last blog post on New Year's Eve 2012, I have been unable to continue, as on the 5th January I had been surprisingly arrested for libel and sent for 6 months' community service in the Gobi Desert, where I slaved away digging with a diet of nothing but mouldy bread and my own tears.... I obviously had no Internet connection, and so a blog was rather difficult to maintain. One day, while I was there, I did happen upon a Starbucks (they really are everywhere these days aren't they!) but while I grappled away at my smuggled netbook trying to chronicle my life with updates on the geology of the desert, the guards came in and apprehended me, with the temerity to take my netbook to the barista and ask how many iced drinks they could get for the netbook. Thirty minutes later, and I was in solitary confinement, and the guards shared their two tall frappuccinos.

But seriously, the reason why I haven't been able to update is because..... I suck at time management (regular readers/anyone who knows me may have inferred this already). I had been busy with finishing the degree, working my teaching job, and my other commitments at university. I never set the time aside to write anything, but don't worry: there wasn't much worth writing about. I probably saved you an hour's worth of reading of me evaluating classes and whining about my (many) mistakes. Please pass on this extra hour by giving someone you love an hour break as well.... not everyone needs to know the manufacturing process of today's sandwich.

I chose today to return to the blog for a couple of reasons. 1) It's about fucking time. 2) I have the time now I have finished my degree, obtaining the wonderfully mediocre 2:1 that you seem to need for just about any job these days, from investment banking to stunt planking. 3) It is a year to the day that I left Rennes, the French city where I had undergone my exchange, and a massive change, for it had awoken my desire to travel and to have an international career.

This is very fitting because you've probably been wondering "Hey, since a year ago this guy hasn't really said anything - just whining on about how much better his Erasmus life was than his life in the UK.When is this going to become interesting again?"

Yes my friends, in recent times my blog has become rather dull, and hardly worth updating - but NOT any more!!!

For I, Oliver Lloyd of South Wales, am about to embark on another journey! In just 13 days, I will begin ERASMUS LEVEL TWO!!

"But Ollie", you say "You've already been all the way across the pond to Rennes in France, where you hung out only with people who spoke English with you.... how could you make it any more difficult?"

Well, my sarcastic schizophrenic fictional reader, quite easily! I am going across a bigger pond this time: THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!

I'm going to Monterrey, Mexico.

For how long? I don't know! The reason? To be with my lovely girlfriend Daniela again and to have what will hopefully be another unforgettable experience! It's going to be the very first time I leave Europe, so that in itself is a big deal!

I'm not going for an exchange this time, and I don't have a job there BUT I can continue teaching online and maybe seek work there only if I need to. I plan on staying there no longer than a year, but who knows? I need to have an open mind.

My main goal is to become fluent in Spanish, and this time it is far more possible as I will be immersed in Mexican culture, hanging out with the locals. It will be far easier to mingle with the Mexicans than it was with the French, and it certainly helps that I'll be staying with Daniela's family for a while, and they don't speak much English!

I have no graduate job lined up, and for now I don't want one. It's time to take the gap year I never took. To experience another culture further away. I am sure that there will be many interesting updates along the way!



A New Blog?

Looking back on my last post all those months ago, I can say that I've done pretty well on my New Year's Resolutions. I booked the ticket to Mexico in February and got the 2:1 degree. I also think I did become more positive in my last months at uni, Spanish will come with Mexico, but I'm severely lacking in one department: to become a much more experienced writer.

How am I going to do that? I think it's time I launch a second blog to keep myself going. This one will have a theme though. I have really enjoyed learning occasional words of my friends' languages: it breaks down barriers and helps me make more friends. Language proficiency means I can travel to more places, meet more people and do more things, and of course it will also help my employability as well.

I have decided upon my new hobby. I want to become a polyglot: a person who speaks multiple languages.

I also want to look at  different methods for learning and teaching a foreign language. I feel that in this day and age most English speakers don't bother learning a second language due to the ever-growing importance of English worldwide. This saddens me, as I feel it's necessary if you want to travel and really be part of a globalised world. Learning another language has opened my mind - it's amazing to see how different tongues have different ways of saying the same thing. For example in Spanish to say to not count on something before it happens instead of "don't count your chickens before they hatch" they say "no vendas la piel del oso antes de cazarlo" which means literally "don't sell the bearskin before killing the bear". Yes it's nerdy, but I find this kind of thing fascinating, and would love to learn more!

So as I find cool websites and think of reflections I shall post on my new polyglot blog, to which I shall link once I've began. In terms of languages to learn, I'm thinking of German, Portuguese (like Spanish), Italian (should be easier with the other Latin languages), Russian and Mandarin Chinese at the moment. I should also consider my roots and learn Welsh and Polish. If you have any suggestions on languages, please comment!

I look forward to getting my polyglot blog up and running very soon!



As for now....

For now, I have to wait. I'm in Wales and I'm focusing on trying to make room for all the tacos I'll be eating, as I've already been rather too gluttonous over the finals period. As a result of my abstemious diet, I've become rather addicted to the show Man vs Food, insanely jealous of Adam Richman. The guy got paid to travel all over the USA and participate in eating challenges! Lucky bastard! Sitting on the sofa watching Richman dig into an 8-patty burger whilst munching desperately on an apple is just torture! They say punishing yourself like this makes you a stronger person. The only thing getting stronger right now is my urge to shove an 11 pound carnivore pizza down my gob!


In one week from today I shall graduate - dressing like a weirdo (if I can fit in the suit with this gut) to celebrate the fact that I didn't drop out or seriously fuck up my degree. It will be a sentimental day to share with the friends I've made at Warwick, but it has been weird as, unlike my friends, I'm not sad to leave university. I will miss them of course, but I'm just so excited for what's about to come.

I'll finish for now by saying: it's good to be back!

DONE,

Ollie

2013 and the year that's been.

I'm sat in my room alone, about to see out the year with only my parents for company, but I don't mind. I'm sick of the disappointing and overpriced nights out that New Year's Eve usually entails, and it's a refreshing change to be spending it with the two most important people in my life.

Before I join them, however, I believe New Year is a time to reflect upon what has been and to look forward to the immediate future, and for me this has never been more important than tonight.

2012, the best year of my life, has come to an end.


The year that's been.

At the Atomium, Brussels, with my Latino companions

It started immediately with a trip unlike any other. Together with two dear Latin Americans, I traveled across 12 countries in the space of three weeks, seeing the sights, tasting the local cuisine and attempting the languages (horrifically in most cases). It was an incredible adventure and a sign of things to come for this important year.

Me with my special lady

Then came the bulk of my year abroad. I lived in, what was for me, the closest thing to utopia. People from all over the world gathered in the quaint French city of Rennes, paradoxically united by their differences. It took a while for me to adjust to the second semester, as I was dearly missing people from its predecessor, but then I met some amazing new people as well, including a certain beautiful, sweet and kind señorita who would be the most important part of my 2012...

During my semester I also learned an important lesson - that I actually do stand a chance with the big shot employers! I was extremely close to an internship on several occasions with some of the most competitive companies. This has given me the confidence that, if and when the time comes for me to get a proper 'grown-up' job, I'm not completely fucked! Woohoo!

2012 also saw Wales get the Grand Slam, and I enjoyed actually having bragging rights for once among my English peers instead of the usual submission to constant jokes about lust for sheep. We also had our revenge for the World Cup howler against France, and I made sure to flaunt my Welsh jersey the following week or five. Oh, how wonderful that was! I probably should have washed it a bit though....

A beautiful sight we probably won't get next year...

The semester came and went. The exams went well - better than I had ever done at Warwick. It's a shame they counted as much towards my degree as the copious amounts of beer that I drank that year. Then followed the Admissibles period, which was, quite simply, the best time of my life.

I met some incredible people during that period of time who I had not hung out with during the terms. I got paid to play Mario Kart and practise my French, and every day was an intercultural celebration. Best of all, I befriended French people and was asked to perform in their show! My French was the best it had ever been, and my dad even called me fluent! I really am not, but for the sake of my CV, let's say: bilingualism - DONE!

As well as a massive improvement in French, I started to learn the beautiful language that is Spanish, and after six months I'm already pretty confident I can become trilingual in 2013! Maybe that's a bit audacious, but I think I've learned how to learn languages. Now I just need to do the same for business....

James and Pistorius

Upon returning home from the year abroad, the second half of 2012 began, and my summer was dominated by the Olympics and Paralympics, and I was never so proud to be British. The organisation was incredible, the athletes were amazing, the coverage was thorough and our nation really came together this summer, something that we really needed during these shitty economic times! My personal highlights included the obvious 'Super Saturday' and Usain Bolt (and his banter with James Blake), but there was more. Peter Wilson's gold medal in the double trap shooting event was one of my favourites because, apart from him being a pleasant and funny guy, his reaction to seeing his dad for the first time after becoming Olympic Champion was wonderful. I also loved when the would-be 400m champion Kirani James from Grenada asked to swap name tags with Oscar Pistorius in their heat, as Pistorius qualified for the Paralympics AND the Olympics, linking the two games.

Zanardi - a phenomenal man

The Paralympics were even better. David Weir, Jonnie Peacock, Sarah Storey, Ellie Simmonds, Hannah Cockroft, Aled Davies, Lee Pearson... just a few British names among so many incredible athletes who helped redefine the world's perception of disability through their incredible superhuman achievements and determination. My favourite moment was when Alex Zanardi of Italy took the handbike Gold on a track where he used to compete as a Formula One racing driver, before losing his legs in a tragic car accident. The Olympics and Paralympics, as well as Andy Murray's US Open win, made my summer.

My semester back at Warwick was much less eventful, mostly comprising of my attempts to readjust to normal British life at university and to apply myself for the final push. There have been some lows this second half to match the highs of the first, as I have tried to suppress my wanderlust and nostalgia with the necessary final year work ethic. Not to mention the rugby, with Wales losing all four matches while the English achieved their biggest ever victory over an All Blacks side that is arguably the best the world has ever seen. If only the New Zealanders had all caught that stomach bug a week earlier......

The second half of 2012 has had its moments though. I got a job teaching English online for a French company, and it's the best student job I could have asked for. Great money, plays to my strengths (for once) and I don't have to leave my room to do it! I'm continuing with this into 2013 to save up money for my post-graduation travels. I also met some cool people this semester in Warwick, despite my best attempts to be unsociable!

Finally, it has been a wonderful Christmas back in Wales, far better than last year's. For starters, we weren't all ill this time, and we enjoyed the best meals my parents have ever prepared. It was great to spend some quality time with the family and actually relax, for the first time since October.


Still to come in the Life of Ollie, 2013....

My longing for travel lives on...

Indeed 2012 has set the bar high, but I plan to clear it. I have already completed my most difficult semester at Warwick, and now I need to see off my degree. Then I will be free to travel and make an exciting life for myself. Most importantly, I will travel further than I have ever done before to see the special girl with whom I have only been able to communicate over a computer (or smartphone if you want to be pedantic!) since July.  This alone makes 2013 extremely exciting for me.

I had set New Year's Resolutions last year on my blog. I had achieved bilingualism (sort of), gotten an internship (sort of) and lost weight (but put most of it back on) - so not a bad performance! However, this year I will set myself two main resolutions I will make sure I can achieve and then a couple more general resolutions that I may or may not achieve:

For 2013 I will:

1) Graduate from Warwick University with a 2:1 degree or higher.
2) Travel to Mexico.

Monterrey, Mexico - where I shall go.

I shall also attempt the following:

1) Become a much more experienced writer.
2) Become fluent in Spanish, and consolidate my French.
3) Be more positive in my last few months as a university student.

The first two are definites - I must achieve them, and I will make sure I do. As for the other resolutions, I would like to achieve these in order to feel better about myself. The first is to become a much more experienced writer. One autobiographical blog is not enough - I'd like to write and perform songs at university. I would also like to have articles printed in student magazines/newspapers (as a start), after failing at my first attempt.

I shall also be launching a new blog in the new year. Something for which I am very excited, as it will challenge me more than anything else. More details to follow shortly...

We'll meet again, French...

The challenge to become fluent in three languages is very audacious, but I feel that I have the passion and determination to achieve it. Apart from the need to improve my Spanish for the university exam, I shall be focusing on this one more after I have graduated, with a DELF exam in French and the equivalent in Spanish.

But before I graduate, I need to focus on improving my attitude to university life. A brilliant person told me that if I continue to tell myself that I am 'depressed' with Post-Erasmus nostalgia, then I shall actually become depressed. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to change my attitude. I am not depressed. Yes I miss my girlfriend and Erasmus life, but I need to accept that I'm stuck at Warwick until the summer.

For now, I can enjoy the opportunities life at Warwick offers me by organising and participating in BandSoc's Battle of the Bands competition, writing my new blog and other articles, and by giving my all to my studies while I still can.

I hope that 2013 will bring me more happiness as I am launched from the safe environs of education into the real world. I also hope that you, the reader, will be healthy and happy throughout the next year - especially after your incredible patience to read this lengthy update!

I just want to thank all the people who contributed to make my year what it has been. My family and friends, both from Rennes and in Warwick for putting up with me. Most of all, I want to thank my beautiful girlfriend for coming into my life and making the impact she has. Just a bit longer and I'll be with you again...

Finishing this New Year's update in the same vein as I did at the beginning of 2012, I shall post my favourite picture to remind myself, and maybe you too, what is really important. Happy New Year to you all.

Rant over
Ollie

The Next Thing - coming soon

Does Post-Erasmus Depression Syndrome exist?

Hey my fictional fans! I'm finally home from a semester at Warwick that can best be described as "meh". I don't want to set a tone that's TOO pessimistic: it didn't have quite the hopelessness that encompassed my second year, but that is mostly because this time I can see the light at the end of the long and winding tunnel that is my business degree.

I really wanted to update the blog this term. I had actually written about 5 or 6 drafts! I couldn't bring myself to do it though, because I knew there would only be one recurring theme about my life - the anti-climax it had become. After a year of constant excitement and self-discovery, life back at the same place where you had spent the preceding two years would inevitably not be as fulfilling. I didn't want to post constantly miserable updates throughout the semester so I'm just going to pop the one up now. Merry Christmas everyone!

If the four years of my degree were like a movie in the cinema, then last year would have been the awesome climactic part where things start to go right and then there's a happy ending. Think the battle of the Black Gate in Lord of the Rings or something. It's the really exciting part, and then BAM - Ring destroyed, Sauron gone, lots of crying elves, woohoo.

My fourth year feels like the credits are rolling (not the cast part, but at the end when you find out who was the assistant to the gaffer in the electrical development of a special effect that was deleted from the final cut) and the usher is whacking me with a mop telling me to get the fuck out already because I'm overstaying and he needs to get the next lot of movie fans in, who incidentally are paying triple the cost for their ticket for the exact same film.

This term was as exciting as a documentary about twigs, and it's mostly my fault.

People, like this guy below, talk about Post-Erasmus Depression Syndrome as a common after-effect of Erasmus. I think it's safe to say that this state of mind exists, and I'm a 'sufferer'.

Regression

My Erasmus year in Rennes taught me many things: to be positive, to seize every opportunity, to pursue your passion. However, when I was back in the familiar environs of the two years before, I can't help but think what I was like there during that time, and I fear that I have relapsed to that state.

In terms of my personal development, it may be safe to say that those first two years at university were the 'Dark Ages'. Year 1 is partly vindicated by the fact that I learned how to live independently, but apart from that it was a backwards step, and by the end of my second year I had gone from this high-achieving school leaver who was confident in his abilities and potential to a nervous wreck who felt completely lost about himself and his future. Erasmus couldn't have come at a better time.

Coming back to Warwick was almost like being a Fresher again. My confidence and optimism had been renewed, but this time I was determined. I was determined to not mess up this year like I did my first two. However, I don't feel like I've made much of an improvement. I have put in more effort (although still not enough really) at the expense of a social life. However, as the term 'social life' seems to mean getting hideously inebriated and trying to get lucky with some girl that looks like the back end of a goat and with a matching countenance, I'm not really missing out on much there!

Maybe this social life is the problem though. In Rennes it was easier, and not only because there were fewer hircine women. There seemed to be more to do, or there were more people who would think of things to do rather than rely on a select few to do it, hence more variety of social activity. At Warwick life feels like Groundhog Day, and I may as well actually study - it's just a shame that I'm not very good at it!

I haven't really exploited other opportunities either. Thanks to an ongoing problem with the practice room I haven't been able to form a band or do my job as Treasurer at the university's band society. I've written just one article for a student magazine that didn't even make the print. I've hardly done anything, apart from this teaching job to earn money to save up for potential travel plans once this boring year is over. However, due to my inability at being frugal, I'm not even doing that properly! (What am I spending my money on? I don't know! I have no life! I guess it must be all on comfort food and caffeine.) I'm as useful as a male nipple.


Misanthropic me?

My biggest problem seems to be that I've ricocheted from the try-hard extrovert that I was in my first year of university to someone who really can't be bothered to meet new people. I'm usually very comfortable with meeting strangers and I enjoyed finding that common ground (there was always something), the foundation upon which a friendship could be built.

However, these days I find the whole process too draining. Maybe it's because I've met so many people already, maybe it's because I can't even make the time to spend with all the friends I already have, or maybe I've just had enough of making shallow acquaintances with whom you basically just make MSN conversation whenever you bump into them on campus and it's too awkward to ignore them. You know what I mean:

"Hey man (because I forgot his name)"
"Hey Ollie (they remember mine, which makes me feel guilty)"
"How are you?"
"Good man. You?"
"Yeah all good....... see you later!"
"Later bro! (Why am I calling you 'bro'? You know nothing of my life! Unless you read my blog, then you'd probably know more than my actual brothers do...)"

So now I've erected a barrier around myself. I will not give my time to anyone who doesn't deserve it. The problem is, my closest friends are the social butterflies they always were. A couple of weeks ago I went to my friend's house expecting a quiet meal and three hours later I escaped from the house like it was Alcatraz, terrified at the prospect of making new friendships. I felt terrible for doing that, as I'm sure they were perfectly nice people, but I've got into a self-destructive frame of mind:  I'm not here for making friends. I'm here to struggle my way to a decent degree to give myself the best options for my future: a future that will probably not have anything to do with my degree anyway.

Wow, when I put it that way, this year really does look rather shit! It isn't all bad though. I still have some of my best friends around, who still manage to tolerate me. Furthermore, in terms of classes, this has been the best semester yet (obviously, because I've chosen them VERY carefully). After attempting the hardcore finance study, relying on my maths and avoiding "bullshit" modules, I thought I'd change to a subject where the lecturer does not have a fetish for making students cry with impossible exams. Naturally, I returned to the bullshit.


Highlight of the term? Classes!

Images of Creativity is possibly the best class I have done EVER. Spanish is a beautiful language and our teacher is incredible (I still have a B1 level in my sights by the end of the year). I did two law modules, which continually remind me how I probably would have much preferred a law degree. Oh and there was Managing Customer Service, the only real business option I took this semester, and that was because I can do an exam in January and get it out of the way. This is the only class where I can safely say what my teacher's research interest is in - the National Health Service. How do I know? Because every fucking case study was based on it! It was more like Managing Patient Service!

Oh and there had to be one core module to ruin my life: CIM. It stands for Critical Issues in Management, but to me Catholic Incessant Molestation would be a more apt analogy. That course will rape the hopes and dreams out of me through its wishy-washy repetitive case studies that are clearly all focused on the insolvable issue that is ethics. They say each case is different - it really isn't. It's all about ethics and made up countries. The best thing is that our teacher doesn't want us to waffle if we don't know the answer. THERE IS NO FUCKING ANSWER TO KNOW! We waffle or we stay silent - up to you scary lady.

I could do a whole blog post about the classes this term, as they were the only interesting thing I seemed to do. I may subject you to that later this week. The best thing about these classes was that I did get to meet new people through them. My barriers were disabled in class, and I've met some really nice people, or at least got to know some people a bit better so we're now having more than MSN conversations.


The bottom line?

I guess what upsets me most of all is not that I don't like being in the UK, but that I don't like that I don't like being in the UK. See what I mean? Why do I feel so asphyxiated at home? My life here is perfectly fine - I have great friends and lots of opportunities.

I just feel that I'm holding my breath by staying in my home country for so long and that I need a gasp of fresh air, to break the surface and fly somewhere else. Just for a bit. Just to experience international life once more. Just to be with my international friends again. Just to be with my girl again...

Oh yeah, a long-distance relationship resulting from Erasmus MAY be an important factor in one getting Post-Erasmus Depression Syndrome! I miss her every day and wish I had enough money to travel to Mexico on a whim and surprise her. Of course, I'm not that wealthy. If I were I would have gone to Oxford University for starters....

But seriously, life at the moment feels like limbo again, but it's much worse this time because it's for a whole year rather than a month. Once more I'm not really looking forward to Christmas this year, but it's much worse this time because last year I was looking forward to the end of Christmas - to my trip around Europe and another semester in Rennes.

This year, I have only graduation to look forward to, way ahead in July. I'm wishing away my last year of university. I can't help it - I just feel that four years may be too long, that this extra year is like that extra episode of Only Fools and Horses. They became millionaires - why the fuck did they have to air one more episode where they'd lost it all? I felt like a millionaire last year. Everything was right.

This is what Post-Erasmus Depression seems to do to you. It makes you view your Erasmus year through rose-coloured glasses and your time after through shit-stained ones. I guess Post-Erasmus Depression only hit me when I was back in my own university and making the inevitable comparisons between the two student lifestyles. Perhaps.

All I know is that I want this to end. I want to get this degree over and done with without fucking it up, and be free to unleash the side of me that blossomed last year but is suppressed by Warwick life for some unknown reason. Just six or seven months to go and hopefully all this will pay off.


Whew! Glad that's all out.

Sorry for the pessimistic post, but sometimes this blog becomes my catharsis and I need to share how I really feel (I can hear Ken Jeong going "GAY!" here). I'm also sorry for the lack of photos. I didn't take any this semester - there were no memories to keep (be right back, I'm getting the world's smallest violin...) I try to minimise the misery in my blog. I know it's not as much fun to read - so I'm sorry for the relapse here.

I came up with a new idea though yesterday for a new blog, a way to push myself as a writer, and I will divulge more on a separate post. Hopefully if I can improve my writing, I can stay a little sane and feel better!

Rant over

Ollie

Montage your way, to a great essay!

HI THERE!

Are you still struggling with that assignment? Are you finding that holding a staring contest with the computer screen until a first class essay magically appears in front of your eyes is not the most efficient way of getting it done? I know I was.

For three years I have foiled and toiled at every single essay-writing strategy available on the Internet. From yelling at Siri to holding Harvard Business School's Michael Porter at knifepoint until he told me his darkest business secrets, I have tried everything. I realised then that I just cannot handle essays.

OR SO I THOUGHT......

Last year I saw the film 'Limitless' in the cinema, where Bradley Cooper discovers the NZT pill that gives him incredible brainpower and productivity. Leaving the cinema I was upset: upset that such medication did not exist. It does have horrible side effects, such as wanting to kill yourself and everyone around you, as well as a sudden sexual lust for Susan Boyle. HOWEVER, that was just when you overdose. Just ONE pill would give me the concentration to complete my whole degree's worth of study - all 20 hours of it - in just ten minutes!

Wouldn't you want a pill just like this? Without the freaky side effects? Well there is a similar option that is not only real, but also much less dangerous to your physical and mental well-being, and it has actually been around since 1986.

The answer is THIS:

THAT'S RIGHT! Studies have found that listening to this timeless badass 80s melody will increase your productivity by 1000000%. The music makes one think of a montage, and in montage-mode, incredible things have happened. You don't believe me? Here are some testimonials:

"I had to translate a Colombian governmental statute from English to Yiddish for a biology assignment. I didn't even know where Yiddish is spoken! But when I played 'Danger Zone' within those 3 minutes 31 seconds I had not only learned the language, but I was translating complex legal vocabulary. By the time the song ended I even had traveled to school, handed it in, and received my first class degree! Thank you Kenny Loggins!"

- Jess Davidson, Biology student at Oxford University

It even works with your love life! Look at what Michael Waggledagger had to say!

"A couple of years ago I fancied this girl so much. Such a rack! She never looked at me twice though. Well.... maybe she did. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open with the amount of mascara and eyeliner she was wearing. In the space of this song I worked out and read books until I was as well-built as Daniel Craig and as clever as Stephen Fry! Lindsay and I have been together for two years now! Or at least I think it's Lindsay... she wears so much fake tan I forgot what her real face looks like."

These people now lead perfect lives, and it's all thanks to Kenny Loggins! Do you want to achieve everything you set out to? Then download Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone for a special price of only £29.99, complete with postage and packaging! It will lead you straight to a top grade - GUARANTEED!

Montage your way to a great essay!

..........(stupidly short delay that hardly gives you time to pick up the remote).....

Still here? Still not convinced? I know I wasn't! Maybe I should tell you about my personal experiences with this song? Well I wrote this blog update before the first verse was even finished. Then I had already received all your download purchases of Danger Zone for only £29.99 (with free P&P), and with the incredibly large profits I have invested in ten holiday properties around the world and am now drinking sangria on the beaches of Cancun with the money YOU helped to raise!

Are you confused? I know I was. BUY DANGER ZONE NOW AND LET IT CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!

BECOME THE NEXT ROCKY BALBOA! Or the choir from Sister Act II, or Johnny Castle and Baby. Or the Karate Kid! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT TO BE - JUST MONTAGE YOUR WAY THERE!

Coming soon to our range - "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito. TWENTY TIMES AS EFFECTIVE AS KENNY LOGGINS!

YOU WANNA BE THE BEST? A MONTAGE WILL DO THE REST!

Warning: montaging is not scientifically proven to help you in any way, and may include side effects such as weird dances and further procrastination. Do so at your own risk. In fact why did you even read this? Surely you're procrastinating right now? You really have been counter-productive tonight. Buy Kenny Loggins now!

A letter to Warren Gatland.

Dear Warren Gatland.

So glad you're back - the office is a mess! Five straight defeats, the last two against teams that should not have beaten us at all, let alone on home turf! Now the All Blacks are coming on Saturday to destroy us. If you don't do something RADICAL, they will rack up a cricket score against us.

We need to reintroduce a couple of terms into our vocabulary. Offload, creativity, precision, possession, territory, QUICK RECYCLING. We need to hold on to the ball and stop generously kicking it to the opposition as if they were a team of 5 year old girls. The rugby is actually boring to watch (scrum half passes to forward, forward runs into gain line trying to get yardage, scrum half slowly recycles the ball to throw to a back, who does exactly the same!)

Your whole nation is saying 'PRIESTLAND MUST GO' - do we need to spell it out on our torsos and form a topless choir to perform a tour of the nation? Not only can he not kick, he has no flair in his decisions. GIVE HOOK A CHANCE! Stop putting him on the fucking bench!

Just to remind you - his opposite number is DAN CARTER! Arguably, the best player in the world. Putting Priestland against him AGAIN after his continuous errors is like getting your arse out and handing them the baseball bat.

Please sort it out. I'm proud to support Wales. Our team is the best in Europe, but won't be any longer if we continue to play with such a lack of creativity. I do NOT want to see a home defeat against England next Six Nations!

Yours sincerely

Oliver Lloyd
Not a pundit, just a man with common sense.

PS. I don't give a shit about the Lions tour. We need you with us next year!

Who is my flatmate?

YES! The wait is over - I am back on Warwick University campus, and it feels so weird! I've been away for sixteen months you see, doing that whole Erasmus thing I haven't shut up about, and the campus is so familiar, yet so different as well. I've gone from comfortably existing among the noobs, to becoming the old and wise finalist who is experienced in the art of Warwick life and surviving a degree. Of course that is not the case. I'm as wise as someone trying to pick an electric socket with a razorblade.

But I have not completely settled in just yet. You see, I'm staying in the halls of residence known in the common tongue as Claycroft. It is a wonderful residence with decent-sized rooms, a good location (next to the sports centre where I can burn some calories, and a Tesco where I can buy enough burgers to render my exercise useless) and a decent price.

The reason for the latter is shared bathrooms. These days if you want en suite at Warwick, you need to be the son/daughter/lover of an oil dealer from Qatar to afford it. However, I didn't particularly want to be living in a hostel for the year, setting off on a regular poop pilgrimage to the bathroom on the other side of the block. 

So Claycroft has provided the best of both worlds: flats with one bathroom per two rooms. This is great if you know with whom you're sharing this intimate place. I did a group application for halls with three other guys and two girls. Now, the flats are obviously gonna be single sex, so that rules out the girls, and one of my friends wasn't guaranteed on campus accommodation because the poor bastard hasn't been away for the last year and thus has been able to look for his own place in Leamington, and the lots that were drawn were not in his favour. 

You can probably guess what's happened. As fate would have it, the two other guys have been allocated together, permitting all the facilities they need for their homoerotic endeavours, leaving me with a fear of the unknown. 

Who is my flatmate? He hasn't arrived yet, and judging by the lack of familiar faces last night at the Students Union, it probably isn't going to be someone I already know. A bathroom is an intimate place to share between two people. I have a few theories about who it could be, and why I should be worried. 

1) The Player: The sort of student who will spend the year fishing for Freshers, and reeling them into his love boudoir conveniently located next to my innocent recluse so that I can hear every gyration of his conquests in the middle of the night, leaving me bereft of sleep and sanity.

2) The Raver: To him 'student' is merely a title, an excuse to spend three years on a daily binge of ale and amphetamines, crashing his way back in the flat at 4am with a gang of other lunatics so they can continue the night listening to house music at full volume whilst they bellow philosophies about the meaning of life and the purpose of Kim Kardishian, before quickly darting to hurl all over the white goods, leaving me bereft of sleep and sanity, and with a mess to clean up in the morning.

3) The Dysentery: The unfortunate sort with terrible flatulence or bowel problems that will make horrible noises and leave nasty smells to poison me every time I use the bathroom. Not to mention the skid marks...

4) The Self-harmer. Blood is not a welcome sight, and I am here to finish a degree, not to be a therapist.

5) The Oxbridge Reject: The tall brash handsome guy whose arms are as thick as his English accent. The only problem he has ever faced in life was failing to bribe Oxford or Cambridge University to admit him with his mediocre grades from Eton using generous donations from his banker father. He plays rugby, yet studies a scientific subject to make him the quintessential perfect man, apart from his bigoted conservative and anti-foreigner views. You know the sort...

6) The Nerd: I will be quite nerdy this year. I need to make sure the last three years are not all in vain and attain that 2.1 degree that seems to be all the rage. However, I do like to play guitar (both acoustic and electric) and the occasional bit of loud rock/metal music from my iPod speakers. If my  flatmate is even nerdier than I am and unable to tolerate this my sanity is at severe risk. 

7) The Thief: Oh my shower gel seems to have run out quickly. Waaaaaait......

8) The Creep: He will take a weird liking to me, watching me as I walk into the bathroom, sniffing my soap and brushing the bristles of my toothbrush. He wants my arse, but won't make the move. Then there's the sort who will.

9) The Queer Rapist: You know, like the Bull Queers from the Shawshank Redemption, targeting men after years without seeing a woman. They probably won't be prisoners, but they could be from somewhere like Estonia where all the attractive women have emigrated to live the American Dream modelling for third-rate blogs (....) and hence target me as their next sexual conquest. 

10) Norman Bates from Psycho. In that case, Mum, Dad. I love you, and hope you can continue to live a normal and fruitful life.

As you can see, this uncertainty is rather vexing. Why couldn't it just be a girl. They're clean, tidy and when they fart it smells like lavender....... 

Oh well, soon I shall know. Fingers crossed it's not one of those aforementioned guys, but I'm not too hopeful.

Rant over

Ollie