I wish I was a nerd.

When I made the fateful decision to start a blog, all those couple of days ago, the first thing that came to my head... well it was "Can I really be arsed?" The SECOND thing that came to my head was the best way to start it. Now, I thought I'd let you know that I'm not a conventional person. As anyone who knows me (which is probably everyone reading this anyway, but if, hypothetically, complete strangers were reading my shit) can tell you, the fictitious randomer enthralled by my writings, I'm a bit of a weirdo. While 89% of blogs begin with made-up statistics, I like to do things a little bit differently.

Thus, instead of introducing myself or whatever the hell people do when starting a blog (unless it's a Harry Potter review), I wrote a Harry Potter review, establishing myself as a grade 3 nerd. I'm doing my Grade 4 Christmas time, aiming to pass with merit thanks to my perfect recall of the names of all the Sindar Elves from Tolkien's works....

WAIT, DON'T GO! This blog's not going to be about the regurgitation of facts about Marvel superheroes or Yu Gi Oh magic cards. I'm a university student, so it would at least be the analysis, evaluation and synthesis of aforementioned nerdery. What the hell do those professors mean by synthesis anyway? I just know it's a move in Pokemon that restores up to half the maximum HP - not helping my nerdy blog mitigation statement here am I - but it's probably one of those words the definition of which is kept ambiguous so professors can't award decent marks.

If you read this blog over the time period that I can be bothered to write it, then you should be able to (try to) decipher the code to my personality. Although I warn you - it's more complex and nonsenical than an Ed Miliband speech. This post was meant to be my means of self-introduction, but then I realised how boring that would be. I will write what I want to write, and the fictitious enthralled randomer can get their own image of who I am and what I look like. I'd like to think that you picture a charismatic individual as handsome as Jared Leto, but at the moment you're probably picturing this:

 

Nevertheless, I do not see myself as a nerd as such, despite my encyclopaedic knowledge of Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Pokemon. (If I were an encyclopaedia though, I would be Wikipedia, because I like to make stuff up and if you ask me for any citations in this blog, you can kindly fuck off.) For a young man with an affinity for useless information, I am rather hip and 'with it'. Oh yeah, I go to clubs such as Oceania and move it to artists such as Fascist Movement ('Like a G6' is a song about the game Battleship, right?) and David Get Her, just like any other 20 year old. 

But I do see eye to eye with the nerd. As a boy I wasn't interested in superheroes and Action Mans and Hot Wheels. I was interested in dinosaurs and outer space, things that are beyond the realm of human life. I was also, and still am, slightly retarded at sports or anything that involves hand-eye coordination. I'm a thinker, not a doer, yet I do not want to be a politican or a professor. The reason for the former is obvious - they're twats. The reason for the latter, however, is more complicated. You see, I grew up in Cwmbran, South Wales, where having an IQ higher than that of a goose is considered homosexual, which is a heinous crime there. As a result I struggled to fit in at school, so I preferred to learn things beyond the world I knew, and learn about the mysterious codes that are mathematics and languages, parallel worlds that are co-dependent with our own.

I don't want to bore you with my life story, because it is boring and depressing (it probably wasn't depressing, but I'm a pessimistic bastard okay?) but the point is - what's the best thing to do when you leave school having grown up in an overtly left-wing area, preferring to learn about bigger, better things than the real world? You got it - study a fucking business degree! Well done Oliver! Currently, there's no way in hell I want to be a business professor, and if I wanted to be a professor in something else I would most likely have to do another 3 years of a different bachelors degree first. I'd be studying ceaselessly until I'm 25 - a real-life Peter Pan!

That may be a recurring theme in my writings by the way, the teensy little decision that now means I am wasting four years and probably about £50000. The point is - I am now anchored in the real world. Pablo Picasso said "All children are born artists, the problem is to remain an artist as we grow up." He also said "I think I've fucked up my self-portrait", but that's not the point here. I have not remained an 'artist', when I used to write stories, poems, songs... Hell, I even used to draw things, even though my cat looked more like a turd. I was quite a creative child, and one of the things that agitates me the most is that I have almost lost all my creativity. I'm stuck in the real world. I wouldn't have imagined what I would have looked like - I would have just looked to the right hand side of this page and see the picture of me there. As you can see, I don't look like Jared Leto - no surprises there - but at least I like to think I look mildly sociable..........

Okay so my second blog entry has turned out to give more information about me than intended. There goes the 'remain enigmatic and hence, sexy' approach! Anyway, my point is that nerds seem happier than other people, merely because they exercise their thoughts in both fantasy and science. They're creative in their own ways, and in a strange way, I would like to be one of them. A reason for me writing this blog is to persuade myself to be more creative, because I think that may be my passion - I don't know yet. Only time will tell. 

Of course, as well as being loads of fun, creativity is extremely important for competitive advantage in a dynamically changing business environment (that lecture probably cost me about £100 - stupid business school)  and so nerds are best placed for future prospects. I mean check out this article - yeah it uses Ed Miliband as an example, but ignore that :P http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jan/31/nerds-rule-world

After all, Bill Gates did say "Be nice to the nerds. Because someday you'll be working for them". He also said "Ballmer, why the fuck did you buy Skype? Most people get it for free you fat ass!" but that's not my point. 

Rant over

Ollie

PS. Okay you know that annoying bit you get at the end of your favourite YouTube videos - when the creator tries to get you to subscribe and watch other videos they have made, which are never as good as the one you've just watched? Here's my equivalent. If you like what you've read, subscribe. If you don't, subscribe anyway! Next post will be in a couple of weeks, when I reveal the REAL reason why I started this blog!

But firstly, I'm going to spontaneously disappear for a couple of weeks. Take care and don't eat undercooked dog. Ciao!

Why the Harry Potter (films) ending sucks.

SPOILER ALERT!!! If you haven't seen the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, then why are you even reading this?! I mean, I'm talking about the ENDING of the films - it says in the title! I may need to talk about it at some point, you know.....

Still with me? Good, you've passed the first test. You have taken the time and energy, and paid a substantial amount of money to see the final Harry Potter film (it cost me £8 to see the film in 2D - bloody economy - anyway I digress...) The end of the most epic and lucrative (EIGHT POUNDS!!!) movie franchise in history is finally here. I was 11 when the first film came out, the same age as our favourite scarfaced protagonist. I watched the final film at the age of 20, and as I entered the cinema that day, this university student stuck doing a business degree became that excited young primary schoolboy who still had his whole life ahead of him. Naturally, the aura in the cinema was one of nostalgia, as the people too old to go to school (and the kids who were rightfully bunking off) gathered to enjoy the conclusion to an enchanting story that was an integral part of their own childhood, or of their children's.

Obviously, this final film had a lot to live up to. For me, Deathly Hallows Part 1 was the best film yet, as it was the most true to the book since the Chamber of Secrets. For once, I did not feel that my friends sitting with me who had not read the book would be thinking "Wait! What about......" all the way through.This was simply because splitting the book into two parts gave the producers more time to fit everything in.

Furthermore, The Deathly Hallows is the fastest-selling book of all time, containing the answers to every plot-related question asked over the entire series. The mysteries are solved and the bad guy gets his comeuppance, romances form and more beloved characters cark it. Most of this was going to happen in Part 2. Part 1 was the build up to this film, and it was criticised for being slow and boring, but hey - they camp for like 8 months! Plus every match needs a big build up, get the hype going and all that. A perfect trick to sell the last film, but was it any good, or an epic disappointment like many of its predecessors?


PRETTY AWESOME - MOSTLY

Now the title suggests I hated the film. Actually, I really enjoyed it. Some of it was done beautifully. Some of it wasn't, and most of this was at the ending (now you see what I mean in the title, kids?! Not like Star Wars Episode I. What the hell was The Phantom Menace?).

Most of the film got me thinking "Fuck yeah!" Clearly this was going to be the most high-octane, action-packed film of the set, culminating in the Battle of Hogwarts, where you just knew, as the Death Eaters assembled in their hundreds to fire their curses at the school's magical shield, that shit was about to go down. However, watching the teachers basically defecate themselves with anxiety, awaiting the shield's submission and the imminent attack, I couldn't help thinking why couldn't they just keep reinforcing it instead of standing there like a bunch of  goths at a Tinie Tempah show.

The Gringotts scene was beautifully done, capturing the insanity of breaking into the magical bank, Hermione's poor characterisation of Bellatrix (Helena Bonham Carter on form, as ever), the bad-ass blind dragon, and the important life lesson that we should never do business with a goblin. I find it peculiar that the film series kills off Griphook whilst sparing Wormtail in Part 1. For those who don't know, Wormtail dies literally by his own hand (the silver one Voldemort gives him in the Goblet of Fire), punished by his hesitation to do his master's bidding. It is possibly the most cruel death in the series and a great plot device - but anyway that was Part uno. My bad....

But yeah - there was never any unnecessary filler in this film - no stupid Hedwig flight scene (oh yeah she's dead) or Hinkypunk sex scenes or whatever. On that topic though, I must confess the Grey Lady scene made me feel slightly necrophiliac, because the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw is played by the very pretty Kelly McDonald - the maid in Nanny McPhee who Colin Firth ends up with. I dunno - it's like when girls watch Patrick Swayze in Ghost; but it's not, because he's actually dead now. Hmmm... I'm just digging further into my gr-WAIT wrong image! Kelly McDonald's an understated babe - that's my point, okay!

After Gringotts, it's back to Hogwarts for the final showdown. Ciaran Hinds was perfect as Aberforth, helping Harry and co infiltrate the school. The dramatic alternative sacking of Snape was a nice touch, as well as the surprising amount of humour throughout the film, from the usual culprits (Ron, Fred & George) but also from unlikely sources like McGonagall (you know the line!) and Voldemort (THAT hug).

Most importantly, the part I had been looking forward to the most was portrayed to perfection. The Prince's Tale was the highlight of the book for me - the massive turning point of the story. Alan Rickman showed his versatility as an actor within the tragic role of Snape, the highlight of the film for me. The acting skills of the main three have clearly improved as well, especially in Daniel Radcliffe, who has matured with the films, giving his all in the last film. The scene with the Ressurection Stone was very powerful.


WHERE IT SLIPS

After the Kings Cross scene and Harry's return to the real world, the film starts to deteriorate for me. Where shall I start? Okay - Hagrid. His first appearance in the film is so random it's actually quite funny, captured by the Death Eaters, and when he carries Harry's 'corpse' there's no real emotion in his face. He's HAGRID! You know, the guy who brought Harry back into the Wizarding world, the comforting friend and guide throughout their time at Hogwarts, the guy who gives Harry the photo of his parents. He's a dear friend of Harry's, and if the loss of his dragon Norbert, and the death of that great big ugly spider Aragog can make him cry, Harry's death should make him BAWL!!! But no, not a single tear. The fuck?!

Voldemort becomes almost comical with his laugh and hugging abilities. I've always had a bit of a problem with Voldy's appearance - his eyes are too human. They're meant to be red dammit! And now he's even less scary as he shows more human traits, like the attempt at a hug as he welcomes the cowardly Malfoy. By the way, when did Malfoy's friend, Goyle, become black?! Did he use the ethnicum minoritosa charm? Was he meant to be a reverse Michael Jackson, going from white to black and liking grannies? Weird...

Ron and Hermione, who had shared a strangely hasty embrace at the Chamber of Secrets earlier (those big snakeheads get you going huh?) are also strangely devoid of any anguish at their friend's death. Maybe he was a third wheel.... I WANNA SEE SOMEONE CRYING, MAN!!! Neville kicks ass of course, the boy who grew up in Harry's shadow finally getting to show his quality in slaying Nagini. Thank God for that eh! One can't help but question the integrity of a serpent that poses as an old lady - might confuse Goyle the anti-Jacko...

And then it just gets worse. There's no Death Eater ownage, apart from Bellatrix v Molly Weasley - and Bellatrix disappears into fragments! Hasn't Molly just fired a Killing Curse? I mean, stuff the moral ground - Harry himself has used the Imperius and Cruciatus curses. And then Harry v Voldemort. This is just wrong on every level. What the hell is with the flying bit? Why are they fighting in a courtyard alone? And WHY does Voldemort break into pieces as he dies? Don't pull the Horcrux thing on me - his soul is already split. There's no body as proof and only Harry (and one dude in the alleyway) sees his demise. Who can say he's actually dead? It's like Bin Laden all over again! They're supposed to be circling each other in the Great Hall, surrounded by everyone, and Harry explains why Voldy's screwed, finishing with that profound line 'Try for some remorse, Tom Riddle' That final duel was disappointing indeed.

Now, the part that agitated me more than any other. In the book, when Voldemort dies everyone rushes to hug Harry. There is an eruption of jubilation, with the knowledge that the oppressing times are over once and for all. What happens in DH Part 2? Nothing! No love, just a little hug off Hagrid. Wahey. The scene in the Great Hall is just awkward, with Filch bungingly sweeping up and the characters, including the horribly underweight Jim Broadbent Slughorn just having a cup of tea. It's like a typical breakfast on a school day, except the teachers and pupils are sitting together, and the castle is a mess. Where's the jubilation?

I mean look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF8YJ5yv1jc&feature=related

Look at the expression on Aragorn's face - "No way - it can't be!" And there are tears in Gandalf's eyes! The music! Come on David Yates - this saga is even longer and you have NOT done the ending justice! Harry just snapsthe Elder Wand and throws it away. What if, let's just say, a Gollum-like character finds it and knows the extremely rare spell that is Reparo - you're not safe now Potter! And where's your own wand to defend with? Oh wait, you threw away the Elder Wand before fixing your own - clever! The inclusion of the Dumbledore office scene with the applause from all the past Headmasters would have been a slight redemption.

And questions in the film series are left unanswered. How did Harry survive the Killing Curse a second time? (Answer: Voldemort took Harry's blood in GoF, tethering Harry to life as long as he lives). What happened with Dumbledore and Grindelwald? (They were friends searching for the Hallows, got into a fight after Aberforth blamed Albus for neglecting his family, Albus's sister died. It's a long story - read the book!) Why did Dumbledore wear the ring despite knowing it was a Horcrux? (His overwhelming desire for the Ressurection Stone). What happened to McGonagall? (She became Headmistress, and got married to Hagrid - just kidding about the last bit!)

Thank God I know the book eh!!!


NINETEEN YEARS LATER


Finally, the 19 years later scene - a controversial scene in the book. In the film, the charm of the scene is taken away and we are left with a strange attempt at making the 20-year old actors look 40. I mean, I can pass as a 25 year old, even a 30 year old in Essex, but FORTY?!!! Malfoy made me laugh out loud - he looks like a bauble! Harry beats the bad guy and gets the girl, standard fairy tale. But this girl is Ginny, and she's not the lucky lady we expected Voldy's conqueror to go for.

I know this was going to happen since 21st July 2007, but the thought of Harry and Ginny, when Hermione grew up hot and Ginny remained Bonnie Wright - just NO! Guys, you know when you go to a club and you see an attractive girl (like Emma Watson) and there's her annoying less attractive friend who likes you and gets in the way - that's this Ginny! In the book, Ginny is described as beautiful. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I'm yet to hear of a guy who fantasises over Bonnie Wright. I'm sure she's a lovely person and she's not at all ugly, but still. There are better-looking red-heads out there. Now if Hayley Williams from Paramore could do a British accent she'd definitely fit the role - a 'worthy trophy' for He who vanquished the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time. It's shallow - but hey, it's fiction!

It's just I already knew what Ginny looked like in the films before I read Half-Blood Prince, when Harry starts to find her attractive, and for that reason it's wrong! The moments in the films are cringe-worthy. That shoelace incident made me do what McIntyre would call a 'mini-sick' in the back of my mouth. Ron, however, gets Hermione, who is never described as pretty in the books. I would suggest that Wright and Watson should be playing each other's roles, but Watson IS Hermione!

Obviously, the appeal of Harry as a protagonist is that he is a normal, everyday guy, with poor vision and a bad haircut, so maybe his dating the average Ginny in the films could add to this image. However, as you may have guessed by now, I like the films to portray the books - a bit fundamentalist I know but hey... So if Rowling says Ginny's pretty, she should be pretty! Ginny's also a cool character - a skilled witch who is able to look after herself after growing up with six older brothers, good at Quidditch and Bat-bogey hexes. We don't get any of that in the films - she's just so boring! Why would Harry go for that?

There's not even a kiss after Voldy's death - we just see the two together looking awkward as twen-I MEAN forty year olds walking their kids to platform 9 3/4. It looks more like Llantrisant than London! They had a chance to rectify this casting mistake in the last scene - by casting older adults to play the main characters. They could have had a hot redhead for Ginny. Hermione blossomed in her teens, maybe Ginny can blossom in her tweens! They could have had flashbacks throughout the scene to Daniel, Rupert and Emma, for the sentimental value at the end. OR they could have just omitted the scene altogether - so Harry doesn't have to end up with Ginny! Tada!


THE END OF AN ERA
 
It was with a mixture of emotions that I left Cineworld Cardiff on the afternoon of July 15th. I was pleased with the film overall, but disappointed with an ending that just seemed to say "Fuck it, we've finished already!" when it should have done justice to the ending of a series of books that I have grown up with. I have not read a single fictional book for pleasure since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows four years ago. I do not read as much as I should, because these days it takes a lot of effort for me to indulge myself in a world that does not exist. Rowling made it easier for me to do so than any other author, with a captivating style of writing that hooked me into this amazing world. I left the cinema strangely sad because it seemed that with the end of the films came the end of the chapter in my life blessed with Harry Potter, and the start of a frightening new chapter dominated by adulthood and the real world.... I need to get out more, don't I.

Thank you JK Rowling for this amazing experience, for the books and the films. No one is more deserving of your success.

Rant over

Ollie