HI THERE!
Are you still struggling with that assignment? Are you finding that holding a staring contest with the computer screen until a first class essay magically appears in front of your eyes is not the most efficient way of getting it done? I know I was.
For three years I have foiled and toiled at every single essay-writing strategy available on the Internet. From yelling at Siri to holding Harvard Business School's Michael Porter at knifepoint until he told me his darkest business secrets, I have tried everything. I realised then that I just cannot handle essays.
OR SO I THOUGHT......
Last year I saw the film 'Limitless' in the cinema, where Bradley Cooper discovers the NZT pill that gives him incredible brainpower and productivity. Leaving the cinema I was upset: upset that such medication did not exist. It does have horrible side effects, such as wanting to kill yourself and everyone around you, as well as a sudden sexual lust for Susan Boyle. HOWEVER, that was just when you overdose. Just ONE pill would give me the concentration to complete my whole degree's worth of study - all 20 hours of it - in just ten minutes!Wouldn't you want a pill just like this? Without the freaky side effects? Well there is a similar option that is not only real, but also much less dangerous to your physical and mental well-being, and it has actually been around since 1986.
The answer is THIS:
THAT'S RIGHT! Studies have found that listening to this timeless badass 80s melody will increase your productivity by 1000000%. The music makes one think of a montage, and in montage-mode, incredible things have happened. You don't believe me? Here are some testimonials:
"I had to translate a Colombian governmental statute from English to Yiddish for a biology assignment. I didn't even know where Yiddish is spoken! But when I played 'Danger Zone' within those 3 minutes 31 seconds I had not only learned the language, but I was translating complex legal vocabulary. By the time the song ended I even had traveled to school, handed it in, and received my first class degree! Thank you Kenny Loggins!"
- Jess Davidson, Biology student at Oxford University
It even works with your love life! Look at what Michael Waggledagger had to say!
"A couple of years ago I fancied this girl so much. Such a rack! She never looked at me twice though. Well.... maybe she did. I couldn't tell if her eyes were open with the amount of mascara and eyeliner she was wearing. In the space of this song I worked out and read books until I was as well-built as Daniel Craig and as clever as Stephen Fry! Lindsay and I have been together for two years now! Or at least I think it's Lindsay... she wears so much fake tan I forgot what her real face looks like."
These people now lead perfect lives, and it's all thanks to Kenny Loggins! Do you want to achieve everything you set out to? Then download Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone for a special price of only £29.99, complete with postage and packaging! It will lead you straight to a top grade - GUARANTEED!
Montage your way to a great essay!
..........(stupidly short delay that hardly gives you time to pick up the remote).....
Still here? Still not convinced? I know I wasn't! Maybe I should tell you about my personal experiences with this song? Well I wrote this blog update before the first verse was even finished. Then I had already received all your download purchases of Danger Zone for only £29.99 (with free P&P), and with the incredibly large profits I have invested in ten holiday properties around the world and am now drinking sangria on the beaches of Cancun with the money YOU helped to raise!
Are you confused? I know I was. BUY DANGER ZONE NOW AND LET IT CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!
BECOME THE NEXT ROCKY BALBOA! Or the choir from Sister Act II, or Johnny Castle and Baby. Or the Karate Kid! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT TO BE - JUST MONTAGE YOUR WAY THERE!
Coming soon to our range - "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito. TWENTY TIMES AS EFFECTIVE AS KENNY LOGGINS!
YOU WANNA BE THE BEST? A MONTAGE WILL DO THE REST!
Warning: montaging is not scientifically proven to help you in any way, and may include side effects such as weird dances and further procrastination. Do so at your own risk. In fact why did you even read this? Surely you're procrastinating right now? You really have been counter-productive tonight. Buy Kenny Loggins now!
