Okay pilot, take your time to land us safely but hurry the fuck up too. I know we're 40 mins early but still.... You other passengers better get out of my way too once we land: I have a girlfriend to kiss for the first time in a year! (My God A YEAR! She's probably built up this moment in her head like crazy. You'd better not miss, Ollie!) I doubt any of these other passengers have anything like as urgent a need to be in Monterrey right now. Although that one guy looks like he's one failed business trip away from living on the streets, and there's another guy in a coma.... fuck it, this is more important. Move aside coma-boy! Okay, Ollie, calm down and WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG? I don't need an aerial tour of the city. Have you forgotten where the airport is my pilot buddy? Then again you're American, so I wouldn't put it past you..........
Yes. Land! Land! I'm on Mexican soil! Okay I'm in a plane on Mexican soil my feet are yet to touch the actual Mexican ground but oh my God I'M IN MEXICO! Like for real! Yes the plane is emptying. Ollie to the girlfriend!!! DAMN I'm caught behind a fat middle-aged woman. There's no room to go around her.... ugh!
YES! Just customs and baggage handling left. Okay two queues. Extranjeros - I'm one of those! Yes I'm getting this Spanish thing! Okay just gotta queue behind about ..... 20 people?! Why the hell are there so many other foreigners in Monterrey? It's not exactly the tourist capital of the country! Did they all get Mexican girlfriends too? Wait I can hear them speak... gringos! My God I'm far from home.
Oh great this woman's taking FOREVER to even check the details of the crew. There's two spare desks: why aren't they manned?! Oh yeah, Danie did mention the red tape in this country. She still doesn't have her degree after 7 months. This is making the FRENCH look efficient! Jesus the plane arrived early and I'm still going to be late!
Finally, my turn! The woman's saying something to me in Spanish. Hmmm what could it be? Think of the context...... maybe she wants to look at my passport just like she has done for everyone else in the queue? Give her the passport and smile in a nice non-paedophilic manner... Oh I'm good! This Spanish thing will be easy!
Okay done. Now for my suitcase. I'm gonna jog down the hallway to the baggage claim. I can't wait any longer. My stomach is choking on its butterflies. Flight from Atlanta. Here it is. Oh God I hope my suitcase comes in one piece. Why is it never the first one? UGH I hate baggage clai-YES there it is. Move over kid I'm getting this bag... got it! Hang on, more Spanish. Why is this woman yelling at me? Maybe you should focus more on making sure your little boy's okay - he seems to have fallen over...
Now I just gotta find arrivals. Arrivals. Oh, llegadas! Let's go let's go let's go! There: an automatic door, and...... WAS THAT HER IN THE SOMBRERO?! (haha so Mexican, but seriously: was that her?). Oh what's this now? A guy checking people's customs forms. Shit, I think I left mine in the plane. It should be okay though, I'm British! These things never apply to me. I'm just going to walk straight for the door - It IS her! SHE SAW ME! How the hell is her hand on my chest already, she's 10 metres away? Oh it's the guard, turns out these customs things do apply to me. Danie's watching me look like a tit. I want to be there so much!
Okay, Spanish time. Um.... blah blah form paper? Yeah I guess that's what he said. I have no clue to be honest, but he's holding up a piece of paper - the form! Um.... "lo he olvidado. Está en el avion". Understand me, Señor Dickhead, and quickly. Oh God not more Spanish.... he's pointing me over there, I have to go back, around the posts. For fuck's sake am I gonna have two fingers up my - Oh thank God! I just have to complete another form!
Let's fill this in as fast and half-arsed as I can. My name. easy. Address, easy, Date of Birth... this is like the easiest quiz ever! Reason for being here.... reuniting with the love of your life after a long-distance relationship doesn't seem to be an option, so I'll tick..... "tourism". That doesn't need a Visa. Minimum fuss.
I'll just give this scribbled nonsense to the guard, reaching over the barrier because I'm not queuing again. He's perusing it. Oh don't mark it buddy, I haven't got time for this sh-Okay he seems content with it - I CAN GO! Yes Danie I'm coming! Oh what's holding me back now... shit my bag has knocked over a pole and I'm dragging the barrier with me. This is embarrassing, I hope Danie doesn't see this... she's laughing. She's totally seen this. Customs buddy, help me! Yes he's unhooked the rope. Okay Ollie ignore everyone and go through that automatic door. My heart is pounding itself out of my chest, God! When these doors open, she'll be on the other side... It's like Blind Date! Oh my God here comes that moment I've waited a year for. Deep breath....
I can't describe what went on in my head the moment she jumped on me and smothered me with kisses. I remember having to make sure my bag was out of everyone else's way, but the joy and incredibility of the whole situation was just ineffable. Danie and I held each other as her sister deftly took photos and videoed
the moment at the same time. I had waited for so long, and now.. finally... I had arrived.
(Yes, I know this happened four weeks ago, but I've been kinda busy living the experiences I'm yet to share with you guys. Be patient, my imaginary fans! There's more to come soon...)
(Oh, and I obviously made up the bit about knocking the kid over and about Coma-boy, but I can assure you everything else is true!)
I'm not yet done
Ollie
Yes. Land! Land! I'm on Mexican soil! Okay I'm in a plane on Mexican soil my feet are yet to touch the actual Mexican ground but oh my God I'M IN MEXICO! Like for real! Yes the plane is emptying. Ollie to the girlfriend!!! DAMN I'm caught behind a fat middle-aged woman. There's no room to go around her.... ugh!
YES! Just customs and baggage handling left. Okay two queues. Extranjeros - I'm one of those! Yes I'm getting this Spanish thing! Okay just gotta queue behind about ..... 20 people?! Why the hell are there so many other foreigners in Monterrey? It's not exactly the tourist capital of the country! Did they all get Mexican girlfriends too? Wait I can hear them speak... gringos! My God I'm far from home.
Oh great this woman's taking FOREVER to even check the details of the crew. There's two spare desks: why aren't they manned?! Oh yeah, Danie did mention the red tape in this country. She still doesn't have her degree after 7 months. This is making the FRENCH look efficient! Jesus the plane arrived early and I'm still going to be late!
Finally, my turn! The woman's saying something to me in Spanish. Hmmm what could it be? Think of the context...... maybe she wants to look at my passport just like she has done for everyone else in the queue? Give her the passport and smile in a nice non-paedophilic manner... Oh I'm good! This Spanish thing will be easy!
Okay done. Now for my suitcase. I'm gonna jog down the hallway to the baggage claim. I can't wait any longer. My stomach is choking on its butterflies. Flight from Atlanta. Here it is. Oh God I hope my suitcase comes in one piece. Why is it never the first one? UGH I hate baggage clai-YES there it is. Move over kid I'm getting this bag... got it! Hang on, more Spanish. Why is this woman yelling at me? Maybe you should focus more on making sure your little boy's okay - he seems to have fallen over...
Now I just gotta find arrivals. Arrivals. Oh, llegadas! Let's go let's go let's go! There: an automatic door, and...... WAS THAT HER IN THE SOMBRERO?! (haha so Mexican, but seriously: was that her?). Oh what's this now? A guy checking people's customs forms. Shit, I think I left mine in the plane. It should be okay though, I'm British! These things never apply to me. I'm just going to walk straight for the door - It IS her! SHE SAW ME! How the hell is her hand on my chest already, she's 10 metres away? Oh it's the guard, turns out these customs things do apply to me. Danie's watching me look like a tit. I want to be there so much!
Okay, Spanish time. Um.... blah blah form paper? Yeah I guess that's what he said. I have no clue to be honest, but he's holding up a piece of paper - the form! Um.... "lo he olvidado. Está en el avion". Understand me, Señor Dickhead, and quickly. Oh God not more Spanish.... he's pointing me over there, I have to go back, around the posts. For fuck's sake am I gonna have two fingers up my - Oh thank God! I just have to complete another form!
Let's fill this in as fast and half-arsed as I can. My name. easy. Address, easy, Date of Birth... this is like the easiest quiz ever! Reason for being here.... reuniting with the love of your life after a long-distance relationship doesn't seem to be an option, so I'll tick..... "tourism". That doesn't need a Visa. Minimum fuss.
I'll just give this scribbled nonsense to the guard, reaching over the barrier because I'm not queuing again. He's perusing it. Oh don't mark it buddy, I haven't got time for this sh-Okay he seems content with it - I CAN GO! Yes Danie I'm coming! Oh what's holding me back now... shit my bag has knocked over a pole and I'm dragging the barrier with me. This is embarrassing, I hope Danie doesn't see this... she's laughing. She's totally seen this. Customs buddy, help me! Yes he's unhooked the rope. Okay Ollie ignore everyone and go through that automatic door. My heart is pounding itself out of my chest, God! When these doors open, she'll be on the other side... It's like Blind Date! Oh my God here comes that moment I've waited a year for. Deep breath....
I can't describe what went on in my head the moment she jumped on me and smothered me with kisses. I remember having to make sure my bag was out of everyone else's way, but the joy and incredibility of the whole situation was just ineffable. Danie and I held each other as her sister deftly took photos and videoed
the moment at the same time. I had waited for so long, and now.. finally... I had arrived.
My Mexican adventures were about to begin.....
(Yes, I know this happened four weeks ago, but I've been kinda busy living the experiences I'm yet to share with you guys. Be patient, my imaginary fans! There's more to come soon...)
(Oh, and I obviously made up the bit about knocking the kid over and about Coma-boy, but I can assure you everything else is true!)
I'm not yet done
Ollie
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